- identifying Anil...
If you see a Pakistani man around CHS, it's probably him, not many roam the school grounds. Alternatively, think David Tennant, but browner and you're right on the money. Been skiing recently? It could well have been on top of his head. Anil's hair-style (when at its peak - excuse the pun) is a replica of ski ramps at such resorts as Zermatt and Salzburg. If you witness a game of Wembley, Anil is the one standing on the line. No, not the Jewish man stealing all the goals, the one masterfully dodging a Belgian's attempts to "bell-shot" him, whilst occasionally steering the ball into the net via his buttocks. And if you see a goalkeeper in social football, who goes from the sublime to the ridiculous on a regular basis, it's most likely Anil (chants of "UAE's no.1" were heard frequently from the sidelines in the 09-10 season. "Get that boy on our plane!" was also heard in reference to the then up-coming World Cup, in shocking contrast to previous fear people held of being on a plane with Anil). There are also regular sightings of him in the common room. Up and around James Blunt Corner, he will position himself as follows: Seated, arms folded (but for the occasional raising of the middle finger) and earphones in. When in this position, he is prone to mouth/sing-aloud a 'girly' song ("...if i could just see you...tonight").
- meeting Anil...
If you haven't met him before, don't automatically assume the stereotype that because he's muslim, he's going to be some aggressive, argumentative man who gets his monies from a taxi business...oh wait.
Don't be put off by advice he gives about specific methods of shaving "unhygienic" body hair, it could help you out one day. But make sure you stay alert for when he starts eating Galaxy chocolate bars - direct eye contact as he does so (in his own...special...way) can lead to nightmares for the next 2 years of your life (and counting). Simply do not argue with him. The chances of anyone winning an argument with him are close to nil. It takes something drastic to shut him up, but hindering his sense of sight has proven to be effective. One can do this by damaging his spectacles, per se. When talking to Anil, try not to make grammatical mistakes. He will pull you up about it, and it will be irritating, so try to keep them to a minimum. If you meet him in the environment of a class room, don't be intimidated by the way he fully spans his arm to attract the teacher's attention (when others would just raise their hand)...this is just his way, and is not meant as an act of aggression.
- becoming friends with Anil...
This is where things get serious. Just remember to maintain facebook chat relations with him, and don't leave in the midst of one to watch big brother - you would never hear the end of it. It helps to have a companion at this stage. A young African is ideal. His intrinsic sense of wit is likely to entertain Anil, so that you can concentrate on more important things, such as winding him up in PE (by stealing what would be his 1st hat-trick goal at school, in order to grab your 4th goal, for example). This is where it is okay to start partaking in jovial conversation about his family, but don't, under any circumstances, go too far. No-one has as of yet defined 'the line', but many have crossed it. At this event, Anil is likely to turn his back on 'voyages', start ranting about 'racisms' and refuse to 'do smack that'. But fear not, he is likely to recover from this...once he gets his vengeance. It's a similar story regarding doing an impression of his voice. Once you've known him for a certain amount of time, you can no longer resist doing your own impression of how he talks/acts. Only Maxwell Kenyon has mastered it though, it is possibly the biggest challenge any man can face. Be prepared to give "liftings" frequently. Although this poses distraction when driving difficult routes (to Marple for example), it will stack up to give you valuable leverage over him. In return for your friendship, Anil will provide certain benefits. He'll serve as a good partner in academic subjects to call upon when undertaking strenuous homework, and he's often (occasionally exclusively) available in the wee small hours. Advice on certain matters is provided in abundance, via facebook chat of course. Another advantage is that you become accustomed to a new culture. Few people get to understand foreign cultures such as Rotherham and Newcastle, but being friends with Anil guarantees it. Anil will also attend one of your events, if only to stir up controversy (such as his appearance at J-Soc in 2010). Being friends with him also puts you potentially in a very fortunate position, regarding the film industry. Anil starred in the 2009 Oscar Award winning film Slumdog Millionaire, which is about his rags-to-riches story of his progression from Longsight to Cheshire. The closer you are to him, the greater the chance you'll be written into his will, which is packed full of royalties.
- Bromancing Anil...
This stage really is for the elite. It basically involves a magnified application of the previous stage, and defies EU regulations by being sexual discriminate against women candidates. Your proximity to Anil doesn't get any closer than this, before it's simply too weird (yes, what you're thinking). You're on call all the time, and often partake in 'town trips'. 'Voyage' occurs on an almost daily basis, but rarely to Amigo's. When you reach this level you get to enjoy the more complex sides of his character, and although it can be taxing, it's well-worth working toward this position. There are a limited number of spaces for this particular role, but applicants in the Birmingham area should be on the look out, as a new space seems to be on the horizon...
